#this is some bullshit. im killing myself.
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Buddie parallels to established couples part #1928289229: they're all wearing green and blue!!
#911 spoilers#911#9-1-1#911 on fox#eddie diaz#evan buckley#buddie#911 fox#9-1-1 on fox#bathena#madney#henren didnt fit the theme but its alright we move#this is some bullshit. im killing myself.
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i think there's a direct correlation between how strongly a narrative insists that a character is morally ideal, and how strongly i feel the urge to dunk on said character
#yanyan speaks#yanyan haterpost#this informs like 90% of my mdzs haterposts tbh. i think you can tell.#like if you insist [blorbo] is morally perfect but i can see with my own eyeballs all the times that [blorbo] did some morally sus shit#then of course im going to point that out. and probably be annoying about it too.#whereas if [blorbo] is morally grey and the story admits that then everyone's having a good time because now there's no bullshit#imo the reason why i can be a jiang cheng stan is because the narrative he's in dunks on him already#like if the story instead insisted jiang cheng was morally perfect i'd jump into the book and kill him with a hammer myself
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I hate when people criticise the newer jill (remake jill) because it's just dudebros who are annoyed that she has agency now. they want re1 jill who was really stupid, naive, and behaved like a child instead of a full grown military woman because innocent childlike female character with boobs = hot. let jill have her agency. let her say fuck. let her be the one to take wesker down in re5 instead of sitting back letting chris do everything. don't be cowards.
#resident evil#jill valentine#i just love re3r jill and i hate these annoying people who hate her for no reason#and before anyone is like 'hey she was smart and cool in re1' no she wasn't#she legit heard barry having an incriminating conversation about killing people and just shrugged it off and believed his 'i was talking to#myself' bullshit lmao like be so for real#like what???? are you sad she has some backbone now???? what a shame#yet another example of capcoms sexism#she isnt an object and im glad theyve now finally allowed her to have a bit of strength and depth#anyway i fully support a villain arc for jill
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If you're like "yeah of course I support Jews!" But your support stops at regular Israeli civilians, even children, who died in a terrorist attack, you don't support Jews and you're fine with us being murdered when we're at a coffee shop
#literally just regular people#youre fine with jews being killed just say it#yeah i know im opening myself up to some bullshit here#but im tired of seeing innocent people killed and wanting to speak about it but then#i have to ask myself 'but thats controversial to say'#it shouldn't be controversial to say i dont support anyone dying in terrorist attacks#jumblr#judaism#jewish#frumblr#oh and if youre a jew who thinks this way dont even fucking talk to me
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Huh. If my life was a quote, it'd be "one of those sad ones with a deceptively happy tune"
#quote from MLP:FIW#sorryyyy been kinda angry about my step family all day#sorry but im so tired of my Stepmom acting like she raised decent kids#my step brother is like 25 and living in my dads home. hes unironically an andrew tate fan and treats his very disabled girlfriend like shit#step sister always got compred to my sister who's the same age and put step sis in the light every time EVEN THO MY SIS WAS LITERALLY BETTER#<- like grades n shit#also both step sibs are gross. never cleans up ever. step brother and his gf are banned from the basement#step bro went to juvy when he was 16 and step sis had a trial last year and almost went to jail#also step sis has mono and would rather die than cover her mouth#i feel bad for SB's girlfriend because she has no other support system and sometimes it feels like SB or SS is trying to kill her?????#my dad threatened to kick out the adults if the house is dirty (adults being SB. SBG. SS. My sister. Aunt.)#My sister does SO MUCH HOUSEWORK and nobody cares and im mad#also bullshit rules recently have made my potential eating disorder worse#i don't think its healthy to rather starve than wash a dish but i actually have cried several times over this#not to mention how much i accidentally starve myself#also our food has been less and less because I don't know what I'm allowed to eat anymore because of my step family#also i have to share the smallest room with my sister. its okay tho ilh and i wouldn't want to get rid of her#sometimes it feels like my stepmom doesn't like me or my sisters because we're “weird”. childish interests and artistic#she lectured me about having missing assignments and I started crying#i said i just forgot to turn in some before the deadline and she called me lazy#<- Oops! so close. its actually THE MENTAL ILLNESS#my sisters and i feel like shit#i feel like my safe space is with my oldest sister.#and you all too! i love you guys#i just feel trapped. trapped by my step family. trapped by my own mind.#i was just starting to feel free from the burden of school and she just made me feel more stressed.#i didn't want to study because she killed the little motivation I had#Spanish exam is now “Fuck it we ball”#sorry for the personal post
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^_^
#i cant fucking wait to get this over with for good#it kills me to have to look in the mirror and see someone else and know ill never see myself because i cant be myself alone.#i hate that i have to scream and write stupid silly shit to get even a modicum of attention and have even that just be a like on a screen.#im not me anymore ive devolved into nothing and i have no one to help me become real again. sorry i csnt do it alone bc isolation isnt-#-conducive to healing esp for this long#no one will care but thats fine. ive known this for a while#i just want to get it over with and never feel this bullshit again. at least ill feel like me for a second before i die. its whatever.#i can try to play pretend until it comes but it wont work. bc its all pretend#god i cant fucking take another day of this detached horror of existence#i fucking *despise* having my only reactions in a whilebe some hug emoji by a stranger on a serious post. im fucking pathetic. that's why i#gone#gone gone gone. gone.#and i still have to wait for release to be mine. idk how long i can.
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Sorry for Romeo & Juliet posting on not main but just hold on for a second, I promise this relates to & Juliet it's genuinely insane how Prince Escalus just fucking. Lost like all of his (named) relatives.
Motherfucker gave both the Capulets and the Montagues at least a million chances and both families just abused it.
His cousin was killed while visiting the grave of his dead fiancée and his nephew was killed in a fight that he had no reason to be in. The first one was by a Montague, the second one was by a Capulet. The first one was on behalf of a Capulet, the second one was on behalf of a Montague.
That's fucking insane, man. I wouldn't be surprised if, in & Juliet, while the Capulets were busy in Paris with Juliet and Frankie, the Montagues were being stripped of their status, titles, and land. And then when the Capulets returned to Verona, I wouldn't be surprised if they were also stripped of their status, titles, and land. And the worst part is, that is literally the least he could do as a punishment to them yet I don't doubt even for a second that that was the punishment he went with because HE STILL FUCKING CARED ABOUT THEM.
And the slap in the face of both Romeo Montague and Juliet Capulet being alive meanwhile Paris and Mercutio both still lay dead is unimaginable. What would you do in that situation? Genuinely, what would you do? Because I can't imagine it'd be anything good.
#and he liked the Capulets better than the montagues to begin with!!!!#he was letting his cousin MARRY JULIET!!!!!!!!!!!!#HE LIKED THE CAPULETS!!!!!!#but when one of his officers tells him hey come to Juliet Capulets tomb he expects some bullshit right#only for him to see said cousin fucking dead??????#AND A CAPULET BEING THE ONE TO KILL HIS NEPHEW#THATS PROBABLY WHY HE LET'S ROMEO OFF SO EASILY#HE SAID THAT THE NEXT FIGHT WOULD RESULT IN THE DEATH PENALTY OF SOMEONE BUT LIKE#MOTHERFUCKER WAS MAD AND A LIL VENGEFUL#ROMEO GOT REVENGE#the urge to name myself after him is so strong man#hes such a character#im just repeating myself at this point but do you get it#Do You Get It?#& juliet#&j#and juliet#romeo and juliet#romeo & juliet
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no more grad apps im done with grad apps
#“why do you want to apply to x program” well if i had the money to not work i wouldnt be actually i just really need someone to fund me lmao#they should let you be honest in these applications im tired of pretending i think my art is going to change the world or some bullshit#i just want a university to pay me for 2 years while i make it. is that so hard !!!!!#brb killing myself#mel.txt
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Girl like. The reason he said "this is how it should be" and faced death with a smile....is cuz he wanted to die. For 2 years he sat there thinking he was worthless and deserved to die. If he hadn’t be shot, his death would’ve been suicide, he was fully planning to die in a gutter somewhere undetected. When saying "this is how it should be" hes literally saying "don’t cry because I’m dying, my death is a good thing actually because I fucking suck and you are better off without me". I don’t think that’s badass even slightly, it’s actually really sad and really shitty. Shinjiro is so convinced that he deserves to die and hates the idea of anyone giving a shit about him because he literally can’t wrap his mind around the idea that he will be missed when he’s gone, that his death is a bad thing actually. And his last words were meant to be comforting because he fully did not intend for anyone to be there when he died, he intended to die alone, so he says them as a reminder that he’s not worth crying over
Personally, if it were me, if I was holding my dying best friend in my arms who was deeply depressed and suicidal and he said "this is how it should be" uh. I wouldn’t admire him for it??? Like am I losing my mind when I say the way this game handles Shinji is bad or is anyone else seeing this too 😰
#its like okay listen i understand the basic math of any persona game they say things and everything they say is actually#very bad when you think about it for more than 3 seconds#like what theyre intending to do with the death of this character is be like oh no your sad friend dies tragically thats so saddddd#but that doesnt mean you cant live a wonderful life full of meaning you cant let grief consume you life is beautiful awagga#and i guess shinji is a specific character whos used cuz i guess its more tragic that he never realized he was worthy of life and shit#and i guess its also like ‘dont be like this guy who let grief consume him and then died you gotta Be Different’#which i dont. love. that last part cuz if you think about shinji and what led him down this road#its like. of course hes depressed! he accidentally killed a woman with a child when he was 16!#he himself is an orphan and he just made some other kid an orphan as well and it happened cuz his persona went out of control#which very much can translate to ‘this must mean im dangerous and can hurt everyone if im not kept under control’#so of course he isolated himself and believed he was evil and became suicidal like who wouldnt feel that way#like am i supposed to be mad he left sees and took drugs cuz uh while i dont think isolation or Evil Drug is good for his mental health#i dont think him continuing to fight in sees is something he can just easily do again given how he killed someone like he shouldnt have to#be a part of this thing anymore like how would he even safely get castor to not do that??? he cant kill more people on accident!#so yeah like using shinji as an example of bad coping mechanisms is already just. a big fucking oof to me like it just feels like the game#is saying he shouldve gotten over it and simply not be suicidal and stayed on the team. idk if thats the intent but uh it wouldnt faze me#cuz persona games are notoriously awful at writing characters who are traumatized and abused#but what makes everything even worse is how the game kinda like. acts like shinjis death is a stepping stone#like we’re supposed to use it as a wake up call and understand the stakes but keep going on anyways#and akihiko and Ken get. ‘great character development’ according to the game telling you they have now developed#but damn all akihiko is is just repressed he cries for 3 seconds and then is like I SHOULD MAN UP and then neglects a depressed child#shinjis dying words are words to live by now even though they piss me the fuck off like girl am i crazy HES FUCKING#HES TELLING ME NOT TO CRY OVER HIM BECAUSE HE SHOULD BE DEAD ACTUALLY AND THIS IS A GOOD THING ACTUALLY#like if the game wants us to still find meaning in life despite losing someone it just really hurts that shinji has to die for that to work#apparently. cuz the character i see myself in is shinji. not some perfect prettyboy who does everything perfectly and has 4 gfs#his death seems like a punishment for bad behavior. the bad behavior being of course depression and drug use. and im simply supposed to be#better than that if i want to live. and we dont get to form a connection with him cuz thats gayyyyy#and his death is like a NOBLE HEROIC SACRIFICE idk its just such bullshit to me i hate it so bad#how is killing a suicidal guy and then treating it as admirable that he said ‘this is how it should be’ supposed to make me feel#makes me feel sick personally and it ruins the entire game’s theme to me because its fucking shallow and the story is bad and im tired
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#i spend so mad god damn time bitching on this website. its bc i dont talk to ppl. whens the last time i had a non functional conversation?#uuuuhhh last weekend or maybe the weekend before that? so like i gotta complain somewhere. so if i stop complaining u can assume i made#friends lmao. ugh. its just. im worried. im worried abt how this semester is gonna go. how this phd program is gonna go#bc i spent the last 2 years destroying myself. realized ive gotta stop doing that. haven't figured out how to stop and now im gonna triple#the amount of pressure im under while trying to do things in a more healthy way. its just like. it objectively doesnt seem like a formula#for good things to happen. im more worried for how catastrophic its gonna b on my brain than i am abt the things i think most ppl would b#concerned abt. like im not worried abt planning and executing a project or teaching beyond fear of the unknown#its like. ive done these things before. theyre difficult but u make due and tackle the problems. but when it comes to: how to maintain a#healthy school/life balance? i dont even kno where to start with that. i just dont bc when u have a learning disability things just take#more time but like how much time is too much? where does it end? i dont kno how to manage it and i dont wanna hate my project by the end#of this. i want to b excited and not paralyzed bc im afraid i cant change my behavior and its gonna kill me#and im worried bc im meeting with my advisor for the 1st time since march before i agreed to join thr lab and have i prepared for this#project which is almost complete unrelated to what i did in my last lab? no bc ive been managing data and im still not done managing data#bc i cant focus bc i collected that data in a way that was actively self destructive. and i mean i kno itll b fine. thr guy seems nice i#just hate that im showing up devoid of enthusiasm bc its all been drowned out by the fear. and thats also gonna make teaching a problem#bc its hard to b excited abt things when there's a hole in your chest and ur desperate for someone to tell u how to fix it. but idk helping#ppl does usually make me feel better so maybe itll b a good thing. forgot how much i feel like im dying when i sit in meetings and#classroom tho lol. god its been 2yrs since i was a student. classes feel like such bullshit now. and yet if i dont get all As i might die#my students better b good. i have the 1st lab section bc thr lead ta couldnt do that time. so im the trial lab and i start fucking Monday#who tf does labs the 1st week of class? ugh. also its an intro bio so like 2/3 of thr class r freshman. lil bby 18yos and some r non bio#majors. and ive been warned that sometimes there r problems with ppl who don't believe in evolution and cause problems. pls let my classes#b good. im not that worried. its just gonna b annoying as fuck. im not good at being authoritative#ugh. i should b reading papers so i dont look like too much of an idiot tomorrow. itll b fine im just an anxious freak. a lil over a week#until i can try to find a therapist. probably seek medication bc i dont kno how else to stop this bullshit. annoying. i grew up with a dad#who gets anxious abt the idea of taking too much medication when he tskes a single ibuprofen. in this household we feel pain and then we#die miserable. this is all his fault. we have the same brain.im just a lil more irradidic than him#its so funny i say that bc im like the least irradic person ever. i do the same things every god damn day. im just irradic in terms of#sometimes i feel like my brain is on fire and im a cry bby lol#whatever. enough bitching. ive got papers to read. or maybe ill just go to bed and read them tomorrow 🙄#unrelated
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it's fat tboy season fuckers I just dropped 50 bucks i dont have on shorts because all the ones I own aren't sexy enough
#mud rambles#or they dont fit to be fucking honest#my fat ass and waist are too fuckin pwoerful for normal people clothers#hopefully these fit nice it's from a shop i used before that fit nice os! hopes r up#i also got a gay little shirt ot match one of da shorts#i should not be allwoed to buy theings on 2 hours of slefep#got 3 pairs of dolphin shorts#2 are like.ly gonna be a lill tight but that's the point#becasue shorts made for fat people aren't made the same#they always make them more modest than their straight sized counterparts#which is fukcing bullshit#i wann ashow some ass too dog#like they're not even made to like. fit better or anything they just fukcin gmake it with more matierial relative to the skinny clothes bc#god forbit fat people show skin#it's especially evident with the fukcing waistband#i wish all shops that make fat people clothes high waisted by defualt without even labelling the;m as high waisted a very die#a very die i will fuking kill you myself#i like high wasited shit but to fucking make shit like that default??? why the fukc do i have to hide my stomach just bc im fat fuc you#jesus christ i need to sleep these typos arent even intentional#im typing super slow rn to not make a hundred typos GOD
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tumblr stop fucking showing me ads about weight loss with grotesque pictures or drawings of human bodies picked just for shock value, im going to fucking start crying
#some of these catch me off guard and the shit used for the ads are.#so fucking upsetting to me#im just gonna end up uninstalling the tumblr app#just show me car ads im fucking begging you#if i have to see another goddamn organ chart for some diet bullshit#i will kill the goddamn tumblr devs and then myself
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i can't wait to go to the fucking urgent care once it's not 4am anymore i am so miserably sick again
#txt#op#long c*vid im gonna kill myself every fucking month is just miserable illness after miserable illness#seriously though i have to isolate myself for real i cant fucking deal w this anymore i swear to god its driving me crazy#twice a month i come down with some bullshit that leaves me unable to work or do anything i cant do it anymore
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had some work today with the group thats testing an ultracold sensor, and the cryostat was on and making its usual obnoxious noises. so i made a recording of the noise and. i cant fucken find the file.
#tütensuppe#it exists obviously but the file explorer wont show me#i can find other files made with that app! but not this recording in particular#anyway its a very loud extremely rhythmic squeaking#and every time im there while its on i find myself waggling along with it#the control unit is attached to a computer that needed some extra attention to connect to the machine#so today they were trying to set up another device with it thats used to take data from the sensor.#both of these use serial ports (rs232) that interface to usb#and! they use a similar driver. but the driver for the readout device is customized and not signed#so we had to jump some hoops to get it running. and then! because they are so similar.#installing the new driver shoots down the other one. so you can no longer read out pressure values from the cryostat.#genius engineering there#luckily the computer also has a rs232 port so we could just connect it there and save this bullshit#i have spent So Much Time last year finagling this stupid driver into place im not letting that company just kill it#average lab equipment driver experience
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i wanna know where ppl got this idea that im like infinitely praised or something so i need to be constantly humbled bc like... im kinda the only one out here supporting and validating me and I have been like my whole life so......
#who is this for#can you just say you wanna abuse me and go#vent#yeah im overly confident and i have a persona whos full of himself. kinda gotta be when you're the only one giving yourself confidence#in the first place.#all ik is if i was infinitely praised i would have never started cutting myself.#im quite literally the only one keeping myself alive emotionally and mentally. im like howls house at the end of howls moving castle#when its slowly falling apart and just BARELY making it by#the fact you're able to mistake my confidence as some sort of cultivated thing by people in my life should tell you how this has#been going on since i was a child and ive needed to build my own confidence. ive had to become my own parent.#it seems cultivated because *i* cultivated it.#otherwise i wouldve just let everything everyone said about me make me kill myself even if theyre literally just being judgemental assholes#when you have no one who counters that in your life you gotta be that for yourself.#i promise- most likely whatever you've come up with to try to humble me with ive already 'humbled' myself plenty over.#unless. of course. its some bullshit you believe from someone who abused me and has to create a narrative of their ultimate victimhood#so you think im some sort of mastermind manipulator abuser or something. then no ofc i havent humbled myself over that#bc theres nothing to be humbled over. ill get back to you when i actually do that shit.#theres already plenty to criticize we dont gotta make shit up to hate me over you losers.#if you feel like its not good enough justification to hate me as much as you do w/o believing lies then maybe you need to learn#how to not invest that much energy into hating other people that you need to literally believe bullshit to justify it
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they should invent a me that's good at everything i want to be good at. [thing from the addams family pokes out of a nearby box and hands me a piece of paper] thank you, thing. what's this...oh! why, it's a paper that says i have to be the one to do that for my future self! huh.
#bluebird.txt#post brought to you by IM FRUSTRATED AND ANNOYED BUT GRITTING MY TEETH AND KNOWING THAT I WILL NOT LET MYSELF FAIL IN THE LONG TERM#EVEN IF FUCK UP NOW YOU GOTTA FUCK UP A LOT BEFORE YOU GET ANYWHERE NEAR WHERE YOU WANNA BE#AND I'M DOING GREAT#AND ALSO I HAVE GENUINELY BEEN GOING THROUGH SO MUCH HEALTH SHIT RECENTLY THAT I LEGITIMATELY WAS COMPLETELY UNABLE TO THINK OF#ALMOST ANYTHING SCHOOL RELATED AT ALL CAUSING ME TO FORGET MULTIPLE ASSIGNMENTS AND BE LATE TO A MIDTERM#AND IT SUCKS BUT SOMETIMES THERE REALLY IS A GOOD REASON FOR WHY YOU COULD NOT DO AS MYCH AS YOU WANTED#AND MAYBE YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO DO AS MUCH AS YOU WANT AT ONCE#BUT TAKE IT SLOWLY AND ONE DAY AT A TIME AND SOME DAYS YOU WILL FEEL LACKING BUT JUST THINK OF ALL#THE GOOD WORK YOU'VE ALREADY DONE#MORE WILL COME YOU WILL BE FINE#I AM FRUSTRATED NOW AND THAT IS FINE AND I AM NOT WHERE I WANT TO BE IN MANY WAYS BUT I HAD A HEALTH SETBACK#THAT FORCED ME TO BE UNABLE TO DO SHIT I NEEDED TO DO AND NOW YOU SIMPLY JUST GOTTA GET BACK INTO IT#EVEN IF ITS SLOW AND EVEN IF YOU 'SHOULD' BE BETTER#SHOULD IS A BULLSHIT FUCKING WORD IN THIS CASE#YOU ARE. I AM. AND I WILL CONTINUE BEING. I WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS YEAR AND ACTUALLY IT WILL NOT KILL ME.#I'M JUST GONNA MAKE IT THROUGH THIS YEAR. AND THIS ORCHESTRA CYCLE. AND THEN I CAN GO ON VACATION. AND DO MENTAL PRACTICE.#AND MY BEST. AND YOUR BEST DOESN'T MEAN PERFECT OR EVEN THAT FOOD SOMETIMES IT JUST MEANS DO WHAT YOU CAN.#me when im taking it easy but taking it#sorry i gotta hype myself up cuz if i let myself feel bad about myself that's stupid and dumb and im better than that#if im not aggressively positive ill explode and my life will fall apart around me and i will NOT let myself be miserable again#last month was out of my control mostly. i will however not take 19 credits next semester!#girls when. RAAAGGGGGGHHHH RIPS OFF MY SHIRT I AM ALIVE AT LEAST AND THATS PRETTY COOL#me when i paused like seven times typing this to cough hard
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